7 DARTS OF LOVE- SPECIAL

LOVE DART #1: Men and women are more alike than different. There are basic human needs that all males and females share from birth to death. The first need is physiological. We all require air, water, food, and a stable body temperature to stay alive. The second need is for security. We all must be able to trust in the predictability and safety of our surrounding environment. The third need is to love and be loved. We all require this two-way relationship with other humans. The fourth need is for self-esteem. We  all  have a drive to feel good about ourselves. The fifth need is for self-actualization. We all must continue to develop our true selves throughout our lives. It’s important to know that if any of these needs are not met, we get sick. Humans will die just as surely if we are not able to love and be loved as we will if we don’t get enough to eat. If we could meet all five levels of need, we would take care of about 90% of being human. These needs are blind to gender, equally important for males and female.

 

LOVE DART #2: Homosexuality is a normal way of expressing sexuality for a minority of the population. There is a lot of confusion and conflict about sexuality and intimacy. Some believe homosexuality is bad and should be stamped out or at least kept in the closet. Others believe it is good and should be allowed full expression in society. Here’s how I see it. As far back as we can trace human societies there have been people who made love to people of the same sex. I believe homosexuality is normal, healthy and biologically based. Though most of us have had homosexual feelings or experimented sexually with someone of our same sex, it doesn’t mean we are homosexual. If a large percentage of people were homosexual, our species would not have survived. Homosexuals have and always will be a small percentage of the population. Homosexuality is not a problem. It is our fear that hurts others and hurts ourselves. Fears of homosexuality cause most of us, particularly men, to restrict the free expression of our social, sensual, and sexual selves. It keeps us from getting close to other men and drives us to be “hypersexual” with women. Those who are heterosexual need not worry about becoming homosexual or the society deteriorating because some people express a sexual preference different from the norm. Sexual variation adds spice to the human stew. A world without homosexuals would be a lot less interesting.

LOVE DART #3: In order to have a healthy relationship we must give up the search for happiness. Most of us make happiness the goal of our lives. We constantly weigh relationships to see whether they will make us happy. Yet the search for happiness actually takes us in the wrong direction. The dictionary defines “happiness” as “a happening of chance, luck, fortune.” In other words it’s something that comes upon us from “out there” and thus is always short-lived. In  relationships, for instance, I noticed that I was happy when the person in my life was doing the things I liked. When one wasn’t treating me the way I wanted, I felt unhappy. I found my life went up and down depending on the way I was treated. It seemed that happiness was like an addiction. The more I had, the more I wanted. When I didn’t have it, I was driven to get it. I never felt satisfied. In what ways have your good feelings gone up and down depending on outside events? What would It be like to let go of your search for happiness? 

LOVE DART #4: Healthy relationships are based on the experience of joy. Though we often use them interchangeably “joy” is actually quite different than “happiness.” The dictionary definition of joy says it is “an exultation of the spirit, gladness, delight, the beatitude of heaven or paradise.” In other words, joy comes from within and is linked to a spiritual experience that can last forever. Relationships based on joy do not depend on outside events to make them successful .In my relationships  I have learned that the continual search for happiness makes us fearful of life’s inevitable down-turns. In our desire to protect ourselves, we became afraid to take risks. Embracing joy allows us to accept, and even seek out, the painful places that are necessary for a life based on growth and renewal. When have you experienced joy in your life? How did it differ from happiness?

LOVE DART #5: Become the lover you are looking for. I ask people in my workshops and counseling sessions to picture the ideal lover. How do they look, what do they do, how do they act, what are their best qualities? One man said I want a lover who is graceful, humorous, artistic, talented, sexy. A woman wanted a lover who was successful, strong, romantic, sensitive. When the person has their lover described in detail, I make the following suggestion. I’d like you to practice becoming the lover you hope to find. To the man, for instance, I suggested he take a week and practice being graceful. Another week practice being humorous, etc. For the woman, I suggested she practice being successful, strong, etc .I believe that each of us has all the potential to be whatever we want. If we become the lover we think we need, we won’t be so needy. The more full and complete we feel, the more likely we are to find that special someone. What are the qualities you are looking for in an ideal lover? How would your life be different if you possessed all those qualities?

LOVE DART #6: Never try to get your partner to change. We are attracted, consciously or unconsciously, to this particular person with all their excesses and deficits. We then set about trying to change the very things that attracted us in the first place and wonder why the relationship falls apart. Nothing good can come from trying to change our partner. Here’s what happens :(1) We push for them to change and they resist. We feel frustrated and our partner feels unaccepted and unloved. (2) We push for change and our partner accommodates. We create a compliant child who we no longer respect. Our partner loses a bit of themselves, feels less valuable, and learns to resent us. People change naturally in response to their own needs and internal rhythms. Trying to change them only mucks up the process.  

LOVE DART #7: To increase intimacy, spend time alone. Too much togetherness is a major cause of relationship failure. We need our own time, space, thoughts, and dreams, if we are to renew ourselves as individuals. Only healthy individuals can create a healthy relationship. In a society that confuses togetherness with intimacy, the following suggestions will sound odd, if not downright crazy. First, I suggest that each person have their own space that is private. A room or even a corner will suffice, but it needs to be yours and entered by others only by invitation. When the whole house is “ours” we lose our sense of “mine” and eventually have to escape to find our lost selves. Second, I suggest that each person take their own vacation at least once a year. Being alone allows you to see if you are giving any part of you away for the “well-being” of the couple. Often it is only after a relationship breaks up that we realize that we have stopped doing the things we love, seeing people we care about, eating foods we like. The “me” has been slowly sacrificed for the “we.” Being alone also renews your feeling of confidence and power. You member, once again, that you can stand on your won feet without leaning on someone else for support. Third, I suggest that each person have their own bedroom. Like most people, the belief that separate beds were a sign of old-age, marital difficulties, and a lack of sexual interest was over existing. In practice it was found that separate bedrooms kept the passion and romance continually alive.

This article was special made for Valentine's day!Never alone if you do your simple best! 

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Georgina Papaioannou